tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36108941457075821952024-02-19T15:26:09.593+00:00Me and my thoughtsBasically my online diary :) Feel free to browse my random thoughts and the events that make up my life!Lexi..xxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10525525775853711177noreply@blogger.comBlogger95125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3610894145707582195.post-91444530376751880872017-05-02T21:14:00.004+01:002017-05-02T21:14:37.446+01:00Marriage - We don't need luck.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhT5c1vUkvKsl9J6ziYeARnXe4ToK1X7oi0Egwxp130E_plVLw2xJ-gzL9FUFUvw5LpqXPvo7xuszSAsSjMZHjp6pgmOYO-SC8YKP9HNjNFYlb98bKjVi9nq0sG8Xu4nVLipj-WeYsJ1Sg/s1600/18199360_1455220294557993_5562265985975495028_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhT5c1vUkvKsl9J6ziYeARnXe4ToK1X7oi0Egwxp130E_plVLw2xJ-gzL9FUFUvw5LpqXPvo7xuszSAsSjMZHjp6pgmOYO-SC8YKP9HNjNFYlb98bKjVi9nq0sG8Xu4nVLipj-WeYsJ1Sg/s320/18199360_1455220294557993_5562265985975495028_n.jpg" width="176" /></a></div>
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WE DID IT - We got married (and <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Handfasting_(Neopaganism)" target="_blank">handfasted</a>)! It was the best day of our lives. We made memories that will last forever.</div>
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In the weeks leading up to our ceremonies and celebrations, my husband and I had many many (unrequested and unwanted) statements of "Are you sure you want to do that?", "Good Luck!" (sarcastically), "Ah mate, it's all downhill from there", "Well I hope it lasts longer than mine!".</div>
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These statements kind of angered me a little. Of course, we got just as many, and more positive good wishes, and people sharing our excitement for our future. </div>
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But why do people feel the need to make us feel like our life is over from this point, or to share their negative experiences as if this is our only fate?</div>
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Here's the thing. We didn't choose to get married because we think that from this point onward life is rainbows and butterflies (despite that being the theme of our wedding). We did not do this because we think marriage is easy.</div>
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We chose to get married because we are two halves of one soul.</div>
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As romanticised as that sounds, for us it is true. In finding each other, we found the missing parts that made the broken parts of each other work again. We found someone who understands the parts of us that cannot be expressed with words. We found someone who understands exactly what we're trying to say when the words come out backwards. We found someone who unwaveringly supports our dreams.</div>
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In marriage, we choose acceptance - the knowledge that neither of us are perfect but we are committed to watching each other grow.</div>
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In marriage, we choose stamina - through exhaustion, through difficult choices, through chronic illness, we will remain. Together, side by side, until the end.</div>
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In marriage, we choose forgiveness - for mistakes, for forgetfulness, for not doing the laundry or not feeding the cat. We acknowledge that we are human, and that we are whole.</div>
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In marriage, we choose patience - for when we are both moving at different paces, for when we are working through emotions, for when it takes me 3 hours to make a meal plan and it takes him 3 days to do the dishes. Everything will get done, in time.</div>
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In marriage, we choose understanding - for differing opinions, for knee-jerk reactions, for changing our minds, and changing them back again. Life is fluid.</div>
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In marriage, we choose encouragement - because life is a crazy rollercoaster and sometimes you lose your momentum. Together we take it in turns to give each other a push.</div>
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In marriage, we choose communication - fearlessly and honestly. Though not always easy, we acknowledge that it is the simplest way to gain an understanding of each other's circumstances.</div>
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In marriage, we choose adventure - we have plans. Plans will change. They will morph and grow and condense and expand, we will draw lines on the map together and trace footprints around our own little world.</div>
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In marriage, we choose family - although we are blessed to have the love and support of our extended family and friends, when all else fails, we have each other. We are now our own family unit. One that we hope to grow, expand, nurture and love to it's fullest.</div>
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In marriage, we choose love. In the end, it's all that matters. Love does conquer all. It's what lights us up. Love breeds confidence and laughter, excitement and liberty.</div>
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Marriage is hard, but we decided we are tougher. For better or for worse, we will complete this journey TOGETHER.</div>
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You don't have to be married to experience any of these things, but for us this was the choice we made. We made it out of commitment, and a desire for forever.</div>
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We've found our eternal travelling companion, and we're not letting go.</div>
Lexi..xxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10525525775853711177noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3610894145707582195.post-60292277707919244342017-02-11T16:00:00.000+00:002018-02-25T08:53:23.316+00:00When you just can't deal...You know what I mean?<br />
<br />
Those times that come around periodically when the carefully perfected 20-year old mask starts to crack, and you realise that under the plaster all your bones are still broken?<br />
<br />
When you remember that therapy and suppression don't work and at some point you just learnt to live with it.<br />
<br />
Then a smell, a phrase, a touch or a book brings back all the things that still haunt you.<br />
<br />
The memories of dissociating and waiting for it to be over.<br />
<br />
The times you begged your mum for a key to your room.<br />
<br />
The hands and the knives and the words that kept you trapped,<br />
The lies and the fear and the same that held you back,<br />
The blood and the sweat and the pills and starvation,<br />
The voices that were just a touch more than imagination.<br />
<br />
The visceral memories that just won't leave,<br />
The scars mostly hidden under your sleeve,<br />
The slashed skin that reminds you of the relief it felt to bleed,<br />
Defects that remind you of that desperate need. <br />
<br />
The things that your brain won't remember, but your cells certainly do,<br />
The things that don't make sense, even if they're true.<br />
That touch can be scary and hugs aren't for you.<br />
The things you can't talk about because they're a little taboo:<br />
<br />
That sometimes you crave a hand around your neck,<br />
Because that used to be normal, it used to make sense,<br />
When you're stressed and anxious, it makes you feel safe.<br />
<br />
That you long for a baby, but you feel that you're broken,<br />
Because of the child that was ripped from you;<br />
A pregnancy token.<br />
<br />
People think you're difficult, but you just want to be heard,<br />
You seem normal to others, but you're exploding inside.<br />
When you're soul can't reconcile all the things in your head,<br />
It has no choice but to shatter instead.Lexi..xxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10525525775853711177noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3610894145707582195.post-34493340335189249252016-11-18T18:09:00.001+00:002016-11-18T18:09:06.795+00:00When you need to break the mould...Do you ever feel like you're in a world where you don't belong?<br />
<br />
Where everything that's happening seem to completely contrast what your soul feels?<br />
<br />
I do, and I feel it all. the. time.<br />
<br />
In a world that is focused on achievement and success, the only thing I strive for is happiness.<br />
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I do not want to drive to work every day, spend my day sitting in a box, rinse and repeat.<br />
<br />
The things that make my soul happy are as follows:<br />
<br />
Orange-burst clouds that surround the sun when it rises, streaked across the horizon welcoming the day. A reminder that the universe just presented you with another gift.<br />
<br />
Pinkey-orange skies that set the clouds on fire as the sun sets, a sign that the day is over and what has gone before can be laid to rest.<br />
<br />
Bare feet on grass.<br />
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The sound of waves crashing on the beach.<br />
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Falling asleep to the sound of rain.<br />
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The contrast of a deep blue sky against firey orange autumn leaves. That moment when trees remind you that letting go can be beautiful.<br />
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Cuddling up to my forever-human when we go to bed, and in those early hours of the morning when you stir awake. Pure human warmth.<br />
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Sitting on the sofa in comfy clothes with a blanket watching films with people you love.<br />
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Spending time with people I love - walking, talking, drinking coffee. Quality time.<br />
<br />
NONE OF THESE THINGS INVOLVE MONEY.<br />
<br />
I am sick of consumerism, competition, comparison and the superficial obsessiveness of society. I long for a world where people are valued for their honesty, kindness, friendship and support, not how much work can be squeezed out of them or how much money they can make. Where people are valued for the individual skills that they have rather than trying to pulverise everyone into the same sized box.<br />
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Everyone is different - that's what makes the world go round, it is what adds value and depth to our society. So why do we all have to follow the same path? We try to train our children into a routine, send them to school where everyone learns the same subjects for the same amount of time, even if they find one thing easy and another more challenging, then we send them to further education, or straight into work, where they function on the conveyor belt of a corporate business who wants to get as much labour for as little as possible so their profit margins are maxed.<br />
<br />
My goal is to become self-sufficient. I am employed, but also self-employed. I work as a Doula and Antenatal Educator, but I hate marketing myself!! I need to get over that challenge so I can reach the point of no longer needing employment. My partner and I have plans for a house where we can grow our own veg, and also gradually install energy saving processes into our home - solar panels (or tiles - go Tesla!!), a small wind turbine, and water recycling. Our children will be home-schooled and can choose their own passion in life - yes they will learn the basics, but they will learn them at their own pace and be encouraged to learn more about topics which they are enthusiastic about - Happiness is doing what you love.<br />
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Changing the world, one generation at a time.<br />
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#LetLoveHealTheWorld<br />
<br />Lexi..xxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10525525775853711177noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3610894145707582195.post-38163750493106894942016-04-19T21:57:00.001+01:002016-04-19T21:57:41.923+01:00The need for now...The need for now.<br />
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Modern life.<br />
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Everything convenient and readily available.<br />
<br />
Hilariously, it is the addition of Amazon Prime to our household that has me considering this blog post. Along with a few months of fairly intense depression.<br />
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I ordered a new journal today, along with some coloured pens. I have some (probably misguided) belief that a new journalling system (see: <a href="http://bulletjournal.com/get-started/" target="_blank">Bullet Journal</a>) will help me be more organised, motivated and focused in achieving my goals and dreams, even though I often don't seem to posses the power to get out of bed.<br />
<br />
I ordered a new journal, and thanks to Amazon Prime, it'll be here TOMORROW. I ordered pens, which will also be here TOMORROW. I have always been the person who has stuff in my basket for weeks to try and get my total to over £20 to save on delivery costs, and get everything in one delivery to save the environment. Yet now, just because I want to, and because I can, I can have everything almost immediately.<br />
<br />
WHY??<br />
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Why all this urgency, this impatience, this need for NOW, instantaneous gratification?<br />
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What was so awful about the natural rhythm of life, of waiting, of taking things slowly and allowing ourselves time to breathe?<br />
<br />
There's an ebb and flow, an up and down, a fast and slow cycling rhythm to life that we don't seem to pay attention to anymore. There's no time for healing, no time to take a break, life is demanding, you need to keep going, if you don't have dreams there's no point to you waking up.<br />
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I have no small doubt that all of the above contributes to my depression, which is all consuming and debilitating. Despite some fairly serious trauma during my childhood, at no point have I allowed myself a break. To stop. To heal. To find out, quite frankly, who the fuck I am.<br />
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18 months ago, when I had reached the point of considering throwing myself out of my window, hourly, I quit my job and moved home. The point being to take some time off, to give myself a break, to try and heal, get my brain together. Unsurprisingly, that didn't happen. There was the push to find a job, no matter how part time, so that there were no gaps in my CV and I would continue to be employable. There was no allowance to check out of life for a while, it just wasn't an option. Because as my Dad said - "the merry-go-round doesn't stop. So if you get off, you will find it very hard to get back on again".<br />
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Is that true? Is it even necessary? What if I don't want to get back on the merry-go-round? Not in an "I don't want to be alive" kind of way (no matter how often that may be true) but simply what if I don't want to get back on something that spins me round and round and round yet leaves me in exactly the same place I started - exhausted, depressed, disillusioned and no better off?<br />
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What if I want something different, and that's why I find this life so hard? What if all I want is simple? To live, to share experiences, to learn skills I will actually use in life, to support and help people, cook for those I love, keep a home, raise a family, teach them how to be world changers and peacemakers? By my estimations, I should have been born in the 1970s, or in the middle of a forest.<br />
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I want off grid. I want communion. I want real food and proper rest. I want skill-swaps, local shops, endless nights of talking about the world. I want real people and less meaningless communication. I don't have time for small talk.<br />
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Whilst full of rambling, this post in itself has been healing for me. The realisation that I am a circle in a world that wants me to be uniformly square doesn't mean I'm <i style="font-weight: bold;">wrong. </i>It just means my mould was different. The real problem is the fact that the world wants everyone to be the same.<br />
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I have wonderful dreams and goals - I want to be an antenatal teacher, to support and guide people through pregnancy and childbirth through to the incredible journey that is becoming parents. There's a lot of learning and work to be done on my way there. At present, I feel frozen - because I feel like I am supposed to be good enough NOW. I feel unable to give myself the time to learn. How fucked up is that? I'm expecting myself to be an expert instantaneously. Maybe I should work on absorbing books by osmosis.<br />
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Nothing happens NOW. Slow down. Take a breath. If all else fails, take a break. Running yourself into the ground doesn't get you there any quicker. It just digs you a bigger hole.<br />
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Take it from me - I'm learning the hard way.Lexi..xxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10525525775853711177noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3610894145707582195.post-57290084942583563562015-12-07T18:34:00.001+00:002015-12-07T18:36:12.840+00:00Depression and the mask...What do you do when your footsteps don't feel like yours?<br />
What do you do when life seems like it's closing all the doors?<br />
When the smiles are fake, and you need a break,<br />
From the life you're living now?<br />
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What do you do when your reflection isn't you?<br />
When there's cracks in your soul, leaking the truth?<br />
When you're feeling small, starting to fall<br />
and you don't know how...<br />
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To lift your head up, take the next step<br />
To keep on smiling, take the next breath<br />
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When the pain is too much and your soul is breaking<br />
The wounds are too deep and your heart is aching<br />
You can't forget and the memories are haunting,<br />
The world is too heavy and you just can't...<br />
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Lift your head up, take another next step<br />
Keep on smiling, take another breath.<br />
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I swear to God the next person who tells me to "cheer up, it's nearly Christmas", or that "things aren't really that bad" is going to get slapped.<br />
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Depression isn't just someone feeling a bit sad. You can't just tell them to cheer up. If it was that easy, trust me we'd do it. Do you seriously think that we enjoy feeling like this? That it is fun to get into your car hoping that someone is going to crash into you? To want so badly to go to sleep and not wake up? To have this massive black hole in your chest when you get up in the morning?<br />
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I have done everything I can think of to feel better. I try my best to eat well, to exercise when I can, take supplements and be kind to people. I have done counselling, I have done CBT, I've put in the work and I try to think positively as much as possible. The thing is, depression isn't something you THINK. It's something you FEEL.<br />
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I can tell you now that I do not wake up in the morning thinking about how depressed I am. I wake up in the morning and am incredibly grateful for my fluffy alarm clock, because she's gorgeous and incredibly happy. She also means I have to get up in the morning because her tiny tummy needs feeding. I have a shower and I notice the massive sinking weight on my chest, I feel like I am sat at the bottom of a lake, yet still having to function in the normal world. I spend most moments trying not to to cry because then I would have to explain what is wrong, and I can't.<br />
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I just FEEL BAD. I feel miserable, despairing, I feel hopeless, angry and hurt. I feel like I am being sucked into a black hole. Sometimes I can hardly breathe and it's difficult to move. But I have to, because I am the expert at my mask, and funnily enough, depression is bad enough, but it gets a whole lot worse if you don't have a job. So I push on.<br />
<br />
BUT I AM TIRED. I HAVE HAD ENOUGH. I WANT OUT. I WANT OFF.<br />
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So don't tell me to cheer up because it's Christmas. I have an incredibly small amount of energy left, and I'm using it to stay alive. There is very little left to act happy.<br />
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Lexi..xxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10525525775853711177noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3610894145707582195.post-40046333550535812222015-04-01T22:07:00.001+01:002015-04-01T22:24:20.953+01:00To stand by and watch...It's hard. To stand by and watch.<br />
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To watch a person crumble.<br />
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To watch a soul be broken.<br />
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To watch a spirit shatter. <br />
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To watch a life change.<br />
<br />
It's hard for many reasons. To stand by and watch someone break is heart-breaking because to feel so deeply is to love. To truly love is to open yourself to be hurt. You're not only witnessing someone in pain, but feeling it within your own soul. Whilst in its description it may sound selfish, to stand by and watch is to experience it twice.<br />
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Because it's not just hard to stand by. It's terrifying to stand by, and not be able to do anything. To watch someone suffer the way you suffered. To know that they only thing you can do, is stand by long enough to be there to pick up the pieces. To forsee the consequences and simply observe is no less painful than watching a train wreck, right in front of your eyes.<br />
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However, much like the train wreck, you can only stand by and observe. You cannot intervene. Because the lessons you learned, the strength you gained, the strategies you developed, the insights you found, the future challenges that you overcame, would not be possible without the experiences that got you there.<br />
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No matter how tough, how heart-breaking and soul-destroying, you have to allow people to walk over their own hot coals.<br />
<br />
Sometimes you have to break something down before you can build it back up again. And when you fill the cracks with gold, you'll have something stronger and more beautiful than before.Lexi..xxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10525525775853711177noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3610894145707582195.post-17916004092977303362015-01-13T20:29:00.000+00:002015-01-16T21:13:29.540+00:00Breaking In New Shoes...I got home from work today and instead of kicking off my shoes and relaxing, I laced up my new walking boots and stomped around the house for a while. They need breaking in before I wear them properly.<br />
<br />
Then I realised something.<br />
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Life is simply a series of breaking in new shoes.<br />
<br />
Learning to walk...a bit stumbly, a few bumps, heavy steps at first.<br />
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Starting school...unknown, uncomfortable, but gets easier after a few days.<br />
<br />
Starting a new job, a relationship, learning something, moving, changing habits. Beginning things, ending things, being in the middle when you feel like nothing is moving. All of these things need wearing in.<br />
<br />
They don't feel quite right to start with, but that doesn't mean they're wrong. It just means they haven't got your footsteps imprinted in them yet, they haven't moulded to your groove.<br />
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The most important thing, is you have to keep walking.<br />
<br />
Keep walking. It gets better. I promise.<br />
<br />
Change is uncomfortable, but we are constantly changing. And we are constantly growing.<br />
<br />
Which means sometimes, you have to buy new shoes.Lexi..xxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10525525775853711177noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3610894145707582195.post-33696040477082425262015-01-01T19:22:00.001+00:002015-01-01T19:50:17.677+00:00An End and A Beginning...So, Hello January. Goodbye December. Goodbye 2014.<br />
<br />
A whole new year, <b>365 new chances</b>, a brand new beginning.<br />
<br />
2014 was in many ways, not a good year for me. It was possibly my worst. There were good moments, I had some wonderful times with friends, I met new people, had great conversations, enjoyed some lovely walks, and I learnt. A lot. About life, about goals, about dreams, about people, about relationships, and about myself.<br />
<br />
I am grateful for all of those things. Every single one of them.<br />
<br />
There were bad moments. A relationship that I had put a lot of effort into broke down, bringing a lot of low self-esteem with it. I held on to toxic people for longer than I should have, making things worse. I made a lot of changes; I left a University course that was misaligned with my values, I started a job, I moved house, I lived with someone I didn't know, my car broke, someone stole my bike. I left my job, I moved again. Everything got a little bit overwhelming. Everything got a lot overwhelming.<br />
<br />
I felt useless, I felt incapable. I felt unworthy of being a living human being. I felt like I was a waste of space. Everything was scary, everything was too much. I couldn't cope. I couldn't function. I got in my car and wanted to drive into walls. I sat at my desk and wanted to carve lines in my arm. I sat in my bed and wanted to throw myself out of a window. I had to be talked into carrying on for the next 30 minutes. Someone else had to be my will to live.<br />
<br />
Yet I am still grateful for all of those things. Because they taught me probably one of the most important things that I learnt in 2014. Because I did the hardest thing that I will ever have done.<br />
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<i><b><u>The hardest thing I will ever do is staying alive when all I wanted to do was die.</u></b></i><br />
<i><b><u><br /></u></b></i>
It doesn't get worse than that. It doesn't. You can't get any lower than that. I have been briefly suicidal before, in my teens. I had many months where I couldn't really see the point of staying alive. But it was nothing like this. It was not this intense, burning, pain in my soul. It was not this urge that would not leave my mind, this urgent desire to just not EXIST.<br />
<br />
AND I SURVIVED.<br />
<br />
Somewhere, somehow, I found that I posses the strength to push all the way through that kind of darkness. I found the power to carry on stumbling forward with some kind of faith that there was a boundary to this darkness.<br />
<br />
That's pretty awesome.<br />
<br />
The other awesome, is the gratitude that I have for the friends that stood by me. Because it is not only my strength that kept me alive, (or, to quote one of my friends, my "bloody-minded determination to not just lay down and die") it was the collective strength, and love from my friends. I don't believe that anybody said I had to stay alive because they wanted me to. There were no ultimatums. They just wanted me to stop hurting. What they wanted, what they wished for me, was to feel better. To be happy, to enjoy things.<br />
<br />
It's something so simple. Yet means so very much.<br />
<br />
So Happy New Year. Forget the resolutions and all the things you think you should change. Just read the second word of this paragraph and figure out what you can do to be that.<br />
<br />
What I learnt this past year is that is doesn't matter when the reality turns out to be so very different to the dream. That it is okay to change your mind. To review your dreams. To alter your path and modify your wishes. You can transform your future by adjusting your expectations.<br />
<br />
Life is NOT about your career, your salary, your perfect home, a tidy bedroom and a neatly ticked to-do list. Life is about people, not things. About places, about sights, sounds, experiences. It's about mistakes, not perfection. About learning, about sharing and inspiring. When you spend so much time following your to-do list, you forget about all the things that happen on lines in between. When you become so focused on your career, you forget about all the things that money can't buy.<br />
<br />
All the exciting things happen outside of the box, so stop trying to tidy things back into it.<br />
<br />
Go. Live. Do. Appreciate things.<br />
<br />
2015 will be the year that I THRIVE. Join me?Lexi..xxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10525525775853711177noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3610894145707582195.post-24548804687017288832014-10-31T11:40:00.000+00:002014-10-31T11:47:30.147+00:00Life and fear, eb and flow...I'm only just starting to realise that life comes in waves. That sometimes I'm okay, and then all of a sudden I'm not. Just like sometimes there's a calm sand-filled beach. Then suddenly there's a tide.<br />
<br />
There's no cause and no reason, and there doesn't have to be. At least not right now. The tide just is. It ebs and flows under the cycle of the moon. I haven't found my moon yet. That's okay. For now it's just an eb and flow.<br />
<br />
I can feel calm, and happy. I can enjoy times with my friends. I can feel capable, plan things, and feel like stuff will work itself out. I can relax and feel the sun.<br />
<br />
Then all of a sudden I am drowning in a tide. I can't breathe and I don't know which way is up. I kick myself deeper in my confusion, and pressure and panic set in. The world is terrifying and I'm alone in darkness. I feel powerless and incompetent. I'm anxious and scared. I am paralysed, and crying tears into the sea that's drowning me.<br />
<br />
The chilling thing is, that once you've lost yourself in the depths of the ocean, and you've realised just how dark and quiet it is, there starts to come a strange and peaceful acceptance that makes you wonder if you should bother trying to work out which way is up. That if you're already hidden in the darkness, no-one will notice if you just disappear.<br />
<br />
So I figure I gotta find myself a dive-light. Because experiences tells me that you need to dive deeper before coming up for air.Lexi..xxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10525525775853711177noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3610894145707582195.post-3662210243202331752014-10-31T11:15:00.000+00:002014-10-31T11:41:46.869+00:00Music and happiness...I scribbled this blog post, on the back of my bus ticket, immediately after leaving the gig. It's been a bit delayed in posting until I got back to my PC....<br />
<br />
So I've just spent the last 4 hours at a gig. I forgot how happy music makes me.<br />
<br />
I like listening to people I love play live. I love listening to the two-hour pre show of support acts discovering new music, lyrics and beats.<br />
<br />
I love listening to music that makes me feet move in a way my brain couldn't choreograph if it tried.<br />
<br />
I like listening to music that makes my heart feel likes it's beating outside of my chest.<br />
<br />
I like listening to lyrics that make me realise there's still a part of my soul that isn't trapped yet.<br />
<br />
I love beats that make me remember that my muscles can vibrate with something other than pain.<br />
<br />
I like losing my voice and hearing all in one night.<br />
<br />
Music IS me, and runs through my veins. It has saved my life more times than I can count. Either by me emptying words from my soul into a melody, or by listening to someone else who seems to have already done it for me.<br />
<br />
Safe to say I enjoyed the gig. It reminded me I am still alive.<br />
<br />
So here's the thing guys - Put away your phones, turn off the lights and pocket your cameras. Stop taking pictures and watching a concert through a screen. You're there. BE THERE.<br />
<br />
See it and watch it. Listen and really hear it. Feel it, be it and take it in. The sights, the sounds, the scents, symbolism and symphonies. Stop taking pictures and start living memories.<br />
<br />
Because music really is what feeling sounds like.<br />
<br />
So listen. Lexi..xxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10525525775853711177noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3610894145707582195.post-605482584367332432014-10-22T14:49:00.000+01:002014-10-22T22:03:01.151+01:00Things I'm learning...I'm learning that it's okay to not do life at 100mph, that it's okay to take a step back and observe for a while.<br />
<br />
I'm learning that it's okay to not have a career, but have a job that gives you time and money to do the things you enjoy.<br />
<br />
I'm learning that being happy is a weird feeling, luckily it doesn't happen all the time yet, but that it's also okay. If still a little weird.<br />
<br />
I'm learning that it's okay to be a little crazy weird. What's not okay is having people around you who don't accept you as you are. Because that's all you're ever going to be.<br />
<br />
I'm learning that it doesn't matter how many times I have attempted and failed University. Because it doesn't define me, and most of the awesome learning seems to happen outside of the education system anyway.<br />
<br />
I'm learning that I don't have to save the world, it's okay, I can still make a difference, but I don't have to carry the weight of humanity's mistakes on my shoulders.<br />
<br />
I'm learning that it's perfectly alright to not be Superwoman. Or that I have the power to re-define my meaning of Superwoman. Because right now, Superwoman equates to getting dressed and exercising everyday.<br />
<br />
I'm starting to understand that I don't have to be SOMEONE. I just have to be ME. I don't have to memorable. I don't have to be magnificent. I just have to be kind, gentle, friendly and understanding.<br />
<br />
Because once everyone wakes up and realises it, those are the things that make the world go around.<br />
<br />
I'm learning that life is very much a game, with a complicated set of rules. It's not a game you have to win, but it's very important that you play. Lexi..xxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10525525775853711177noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3610894145707582195.post-70636640024732767332014-10-17T15:37:00.002+01:002014-10-17T15:37:50.727+01:00When your brain hates you...A few of the things my brain has said to me today:<br />
<br />
"You're useless"<br />
<br />
"You will never be good enough"<br />
<br />
"You used to be capable, and now you're nothing"<br />
<br />
"You are a waste, you're taking up space"<br />
<br />
"You are annoying people by being here"<br />
<br />
"You're not worth it"<br />
<br />
IT'S HARD.<br />
<br />
It's hard to function and put a smile on your face when you essentially have a bully living inside of your head. It's hard to have a conversation with someone when your brain is trying to shout you down. It's hard to put one foot in front of the other when your brain is telling you it's pointless.<br />
<br />
Do you know what I find most terrifying? I find it pretty horrible that I can have a wonderful day, I can be happy, but on a day like this I can barely remember that. I mean, I know it happened, but I can't <i><b>feel</b></i> it. I can't remember how that works.<br />
<br />
If I could hold onto the good days when I'm having a bad day, it would all be so much easier. But I can't. I'm so consumed by the hatred my brain throws at me that I can't feel anything else.<br />
<br />
I am trying my best.<br />
<br />
Right now, my best is not drowning.<br />
<br />
At some point, I hope to start swimming.Lexi..xxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10525525775853711177noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3610894145707582195.post-80700419823694391672014-10-16T20:03:00.000+01:002014-10-16T20:04:26.428+01:00So Simple & Complex...I've been home just over a week, and already I'm realising a few things.<br />
<br />
It's so simple.....<br />
<br />
It's trees. It's seaside air. It's soft fluffy animals. It's walks and talks and tears and expression. It's acceptance. It's time, it's peace. It's realising that whoever it was* wasn't lying when they said you need four hugs a day just to survive, and another four for maintenance. If you want to grow, you need another four on top of that.<br />
<br />
It's releasing the tension, expectations and standards. It's trusting yourself to do your best and that what happens is where you're meant to be.<br />
<br />
But it's so complex...<br />
<br />
Because letting go of standards is hard, when it's all you've ever known. When for 25 years of your life your best wasn't good enough. When a guilty conscience turns "taking time" into "wasting time". When peace lets your brain relax enough to let the flashy images of the past in. <br />
<br />
Because the truth of the matter is in order to find the other side, you have to walk into the black hole and make friends with the darkness.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
*Virginia SatirLexi..xxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10525525775853711177noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3610894145707582195.post-24010675776877912572014-10-07T18:19:00.000+01:002014-10-07T20:40:57.732+01:00A slow implosion...So. I'm "home".<br />
<br />
No. Let's start with the important thing. I'm "alive". It doesn't matter where I am, but I am still somewhat "alive". I'm putting it in quotes, because I still feel I am on a slow implosion to destruction.<br />
<br />
For those of you who haven't read my previous blog posts, I've been in a pretty dark place. I've been pretty low.<br />
<br />
Ah, let's cut the crap, I'm suicidal.<br />
<br />
In the past few weeks, I've quit my job, packed up all of my material belongings, said goodbye to some very good friends, and moved 300 miles South, back to my parent's house, to try and give myself a break.<br />
<br />
I have a tendancy to depression - many things that I haven't dealt with properly like to come and bite me in the ass sometimes. However, they pretty much tried to swallow me this time. What pushed me over the edge? I honestly don't know. I'd managed to get myself a pretty good job, with some great people who I enjoyed working with. But I still had daily panick attacks, I still wanted to throw myself off a bridge, or drown myself in Vodka and pills. I still ultimately felt that I shouldn't be here. That everything was worse because I was.<br />
<br />
I'm home, and I still feel all of those things. I am SO BLESSED because I have some brilliant friends who have literally kept me alive, who tell me I am not going insane, who tell me I am doing myself good by having a break, who talk me through the panic attacks and talk me down off the bridge.<br />
<br />
I need therapy, and I probably need some pills for a bit (oh yay, THOSE things) but right now, I am damn about ready to build myself a pillow fort and never come out.<br />
<br />
EVERYTHING is overwhelming. My massive issue is that I have no confidence in myself, and I don't think I'm good enough. I therefore have no confidence that I will make the "right" choice when it comes to making decisions. Sadly, ultimately EVERYTHING is my choice. I HAVE to choose. I gotta decide how long I am going to take off work, where I want to live, which therapist to choose, whether or not I want to be on pills. That there is enough to give me a panic attack.<br />
<br />
I know it can get better, I've been there. I am no stranger to depression, therefore I know I can get through it. I have been through A LOT of fairly rough shit in my life. I AM STILL HERE. That's something positive. I have the strength to get through it, I'm determined, I did it. Yet, I constantly feel like I am living on a knife edge, like every day could be my last. It's like the last straw that will break the camel's back, a pressure gauge about to blow...<br />
<br />
So, I guess I need some pills. I can't really handle anything when I am like this. I need to level myself out and gather my brain to deal with all this crap properly this time. I'm almost 25, I'm done being chased by my baggage. I am done running. I am sick of being scared.<br />
<br />
So there's one decision made.<br />
<br />
THIS IS DAY ONE.<br />
<br />
The bravest thing I am doing right now is staying alive when I want to die.<br />
<br />
So if you feel the same - hang on. You're not alone. Lexi..xxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10525525775853711177noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3610894145707582195.post-67157455485449696702014-08-26T16:21:00.002+01:002014-08-26T16:22:41.229+01:00Please don't...<div class="MsoNormal">
Don’t ask how I am</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Because I don’t know the answer</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Because telling me you love me</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Just makes me fall faster.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Don’t ask how I am</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Because you won’t like the answer</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Because I’m tired, angry, sad, hurting</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And it’s not getting better.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Don’t ask how I am</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Because the answer won’t change</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Because my mind is still wrecked</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And my soul is still drained.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Don’t ask how I am</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Because it makes me pretend</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
For your sake that I’m happy</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Not that I want this to end.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Don’t ask how I am</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Because I’ll run out of words</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Because between life, death, existing</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The lines have all blurred.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Don’t ask how I am</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Because I can’t explain</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
How much I want to sleep – forever</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At the end of each day.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Don’t ask how I am</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Because I’m scared that I’ll shatter</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That the scars can’t hold the pain</div>
And that none of this matters.Lexi..xxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10525525775853711177noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3610894145707582195.post-55228181514190685062014-08-23T21:51:00.002+01:002014-08-23T21:52:07.394+01:00Fuck Life...<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
<o:AllowPNG/>
</o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
</xml><![endif]--><br />
<br />
Fuck Life.
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
Fuck the pain and scars.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
The days and the hours</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
Spent angry and tired</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
With an abuser and liar.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
Being told to forgive</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
Forget and move on</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
Because the pain is old</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
In the past and days gone.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
Fuck you.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
Because years of abuse</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
Aren’t a blip in the past</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
Because taking my innocence</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
Wasn’t a right that you had.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
Fuck you.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
Because I hate that you took</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
What I can’t seem to get back</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
That it shouldn’t still be
possible</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
To blame you for that.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
Fuck the brother </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
That used his power</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
That caused the pain</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
Made my childhood sour.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
Fuck the family</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
That stood by his side</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
That ignored and buried</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
Motivated by pride</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
Fuck the man with the ego</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
The one that said</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
“I’ll show you how to like it”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
On the sofa not a bed.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
Fuck the boyfriend</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
That raped me</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
Drunk and violent</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
Because no doesn’t mean no</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
In a home environment</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
Fuck the family that treats me</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
Like the one that did wrong</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
Like a nuisance and annoyance</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
Gone on for too long</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
Fuck the depression </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
That haunts me like a cloud </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
The scars on my arm</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
That stand out in a crowd</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
The voices in my head</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
That challenge my brain</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
That hold my mind and my spirit</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
Forever in chains.</div>
Lexi..xxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10525525775853711177noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3610894145707582195.post-8857582727796328372014-08-21T09:43:00.001+01:002014-08-21T09:43:20.171+01:00I'm begging you for a reason...<div class="MsoNormal">
I'm begging you for a reason...</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Because my eyes don’t shine anymore</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Because I don’t see </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The point of my time anymore.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Because being curled up in a ball</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In the corner of my bed</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Is my favourite place now.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Because living and laughing and loving</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Is something I’ve forgotten how.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Because my desire for a child</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Has diminished into a need to be one</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To be cared for, looked after,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Love, and laughter.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Because the scars on my arm</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Are no longer old.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Because the desire to live</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Is something I no longer hold.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Because I know I’m the only one </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That can find that reason.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But just give me a hint.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A hand.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A hug.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A clue.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That this isn’t all for nothing.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Help me prove that growth</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Looks like destruction.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That cracks are where the light comes in.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Don’t tell me to smile.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Or that I’m too thin.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Don’t question the reasons</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Because I don’t know the answer.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Hold my hand as I fall</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And the rope as I climb</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The only thing that can help me</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Is love.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And time.</div>
Lexi..xxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10525525775853711177noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3610894145707582195.post-2516053516516632722014-08-12T13:34:00.000+01:002014-08-13T15:11:49.716+01:00At what point...At what point, did it become normal for me to pull a drawing pin out of the wall, go to the toilets, and carve a new cut into my arm, in the middle of my working day?<br />
<br />
At what point, did I welcome back the gnawing, aching hollow of hunger in my stomach, as if it was an old friend?<br />
<br />
At what point, did I start enjoying the light headedness that accompanies hunger, more than I hated the loss of memory?<br />
<br />
At what point, did I start hating my body more than I loved the idea of being healthy?<br />
<br />
At what point, did I once again find it emotionally painful and jarring for people to touch me, and to have to hold back a reflex to hit them in return?<br />
<br />
At what point, did it become normal to hold a dialogue about suicide with the voice inside my head?<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
At the point, where I realised that I am so truly broken, that I had to use the only tools I knew to hold myself together.<br />
<br />
Where cutting eases the pain, and gives you a new one to focus on.<br />
<br />
Where focusing on hunger and denial distracts you from everything else in your head.<br />
<br />
Where building a wall around yourself, so mentally strong, that it is shocking to you when people can touch you.<br />
<br />
When holding a conversation with my demons, holds them at bay just a little bit longer than ignoring them.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
I'm not sure how much longer I can do it.Lexi..xxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10525525775853711177noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3610894145707582195.post-10517269769829464302014-07-30T21:35:00.000+01:002014-07-30T21:40:09.342+01:00New Ink...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Two new tattoos on two opposite sides of my body describing
the two opposing sides of my soul and daily life.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A motto <i><b>“Love…Learn…Inspire…”</b></i> The thing I aim to do every day.
To make my life worth something. To glean the wisdom from those who have
already made the most of their life. To show someone that theirs is worth it
too. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The reality<i> <b>“Not all scars show…Not all wounds heal…You
can’t always see…The pain someone feels…”</b></i> The daily shadow that follows my
life. The pain, the anger, the confusion, the self-doubt, self-sabotage,
self-blame and self-harm that I picked up as habit from the uncertainty, guilt and
hurt that built my childhood.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I don’t focus on it, in fact I try and ignore it. From the
outside you wouldn’t even know half of the things that I’ve been through, aside
from the scars that you <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">can</i></b> see. Sadly, not focusing on it
doesn’t mean it’s not there.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Childhood abuse leaves so many scars. It ingrains messages
in your brain that tell you you’re worthless, that tell you you’re guilty, that
tell you everything is your fault. It leaves emotional scars that shred your
ability to trust people, your ability to love people.</div>
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<br /></div>
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When you survive that, Rape creates some more scars. It rips
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in your brain as much as the concrete foundations on a house. It creates a
physical scar that makes you scared to be touched.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When your child is forcibly torn from your body it breaks
that tiny part of your soul that was left and it takes it with them. It leaves
you forever with a longing, an aching hole in your heart. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My motto is what pushes me through my reality. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I didn’t say it was easy.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I just do it.</div>
Lexi..xxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10525525775853711177noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3610894145707582195.post-68581457879570539422014-05-16T14:31:00.001+01:002014-05-16T14:42:19.510+01:00I won't give in...Despite living with Fibromyalgia for 8 years, once you have a diagnosis, things seem to change. People seem to suddenly feel they have the right to tell you what to do...<br />
<br />
"Don't lift those heavy boxes"<br />
"Don't sit on the floor"<br />
"You shouldn't do that with your condition"<br />
"Isn't it a bit silly going for a run, won't it make your condition worse?"<br />
<br />
For more about Fibromyalgia, see <a href="http://www.patient.co.uk/health/fibromyalgia" target="_blank">here </a><br />
<br />
I run because actually, doing no exercise makes my pain worse. I also do yoga. Yes, running is higher impact but it is more than just exercise, it makes me happy.<br />
<br />
I WILL run whenever I can, because I have days where raising my arms to wash my hair takes unbelievable effort. So on the days where I feel I have the energy to run, you bet your ass I am going to do it.<br />
<br />
I WILL lift heavy boxes. I go to the gym. I have a mental need to have confidence in the strength my body has. I have days where I have to change gear in my car by moving my entire arm from my shoulder, because the weakness in my upper arm muscles leaves me unable to co-ordinate my elbow and lower arm to do it. So if I feel I have the strength to lift heavy boxes, I damn well will.<br />
<br />
I WILL sit on the floor. I'm a closet hippie. I walk around in bare feet most of the time. I should have been born in the 60s. I like sitting on the floor and being closer to ground level. So if I want to sit on the floor, I fucking well will. Chances are, if I am having a high pain day, then sitting in a chair won't even be that much more comfortable anyway.<br />
<br />
YOU do not get to choose what I do and don't do with my body.<br />
<br />
Likelihood is, my condition will worsen at some point. I already have higher pain levels than I did a few years ago, and at the moment of writing this, I am lying in bed because despite wanting to go for a walk, making it up the stairs from the kitchen to my room knackered me out.<br />
<br />
I am grateful for every bit of energy that I have. I am grateful that I can still work, when others with this condition can't. It's not just physical activity that can drain your energy but mental activity too. I work with numbers, and organisation. I love it. I have days where I have such a brain fog I can barely make functional sentences come out of my mouth. I will make the most of every moment I have while I have it.<br />
<br />
I won't give in to a chronic illness that drains my energy and inflicts me with all over pain. I will fight it every step of the way. I will not give in to people who wish to treat me as an invalid. On the same level, I will not give in to people who tell me I'm not ill because in general, they see me on good days. <i>"You don't look ill...."</i> Yeah well, you don't look stupid either but.....<br />
<br />
I know that on some level, certain people are just trying to look out for me, and I thank people profusely who help me move boxes on the days that I can't, but <b>I </b>know <b>MY </b>body, and <b>MY</b> capabilities. <b>DO NOT</b> tell me what I can and can't do.<br />
<br />
Because at the very least, I won't pay you a damn bit of attention, and it would be a waste of your breath.<br />
<br />Lexi..xxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10525525775853711177noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3610894145707582195.post-45886637317453213622014-05-03T15:53:00.001+01:002014-05-03T15:53:35.070+01:00Go Ahead...<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="table of figures"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="envelope address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="envelope return"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="footnote reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="line number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="page number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="endnote reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="endnote text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="table of authorities"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="macro"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="toa heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Closing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Date"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Block Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Hyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="FollowedHyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Plain Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="E-mail Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Top of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal (Web)"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Acronym"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Cite"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Code"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Definition"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Keyboard"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Preformatted"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Sample"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Typewriter"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal Table"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Elegant"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Balloon Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Go ahead.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Judge my scars. Judge my actions.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I can guarantee that what that took</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Was just a fraction</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Of what it takes me, to simply survive.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m a mess of cuts and cracks</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That let in the light.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m stumbling and staggering</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Trying to do this right</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Life’s a maze without a map</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Full of questions, corners and traps.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My maze isn’t yours</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My centre’s not the same.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If you fall down I’m not to blame.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If I fall down then neither are you</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The path I take is what I choose.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I can walk backwards</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I can walk in the dark.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The challenges I find </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Will leave their mark.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Whether I reach the centre</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Is irrelevant.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I played the game.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Because in the end</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That’s all there is.</div>
Lexi..xxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10525525775853711177noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3610894145707582195.post-10640373341052994422014-04-14T20:40:00.000+01:002014-04-14T20:40:57.135+01:00An elaborate form of self harm...I have scars that are visible, I have scars you can't see.<br />
<br />
My visible scars are self-inflicted. So are some of the ones you can't see...<br />
<br />
I've been abused, I've been raped, I've been used. A feeling of worthlessness is normal to me.<br />
<br />
Self harm is hard to explain in words to someone who has no experience of it. Sometimes it's a cry for help. It never really was for me. Someone seeing it was the last thing on my mind. Sometimes it was a way of coping - when you are in so much pain on the inside, it becomes easier to deal with and cope with if you can have a physical reason for being in pain. Something you can <i><b>see</b></i> that is hurt. Sometimes it was like a release valve; things just built up and up inside me and cutting was a way of letting it out. I think this is one of the reasons they suggest exercise for people who are trying to stop self harming - running and pushing myself sometimes has the same effect.<br />
<br />
Scars are a language, one that no-one can speak. Scars do the talking, scars tell the story. The scars are comforting because they tell me that my story is real, that it happened, in flesh and blood.<br />
<br />
I haven't cut in quite a while. I continue to self harm. It takes many forms. I've never really drunk much. I don't like not being in control. I smoke occasionally - because it's only occassional, it makes me dizzy, but it doesn't take me as out of it as I would like, but whilst cutting leaves scars, it's not going to give me cancer.<br />
<br />
Sex is my most elaborate form of self-harm. After years of abuse and more than one rape, sex brings me back to my level of normal - worthless. I prefer sex when it has nothing to do with love, when it has no meaning, when someone is not at all bothered about how I am feeling. I like sex when its rough and when there is no commitment. With people who don't know me. With people who don't care. When I say 'like', I mean that it feels normal to me. Normal is comforting. <br />
<br />
Like most people, when I feel out of control, I need to bring myself back to normal. It just so happens that my compass of normal is a little out of whack. Someone enjoying the pain they are causing me, physically, sexually, emotionally. Sometimes I feel so numb, physical pain reminds me I can feel. <br />
<br />
I'm not an idiot, I know it's not safe, I know it's a cycle. Have you ever tried jumping off a roundabout whilst it's in full spin? It hurts. I'd rather stick with the pain that I know.<br />
<br />
<br />Lexi..xxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10525525775853711177noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3610894145707582195.post-76061264096770135802014-03-30T00:49:00.001+00:002014-03-30T00:49:22.590+00:00I think...I think I've run out of life.<br />
<br />
I've run out of passion.<br />
<br />
I've run out of words.<br />
<br />
I've. Got. Nothing. Left.Lexi..xxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10525525775853711177noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3610894145707582195.post-4002352483897995062014-02-23T21:46:00.002+00:002014-02-23T21:46:13.565+00:00Self...The trouble with deciding to live for you and not for anyone else, is that you need to know who <i><b>you</b></i> are in the first place.<br />
<br />
It requires a certain degree of self-knowledge and self-acceptance.<br />
<br />
It takes some time to learn and understand where your heart lies and where your soul rests. To have confidence in the beliefs that you discover, and the truths that brought you to them. Accepting the experiences that led you to where you are is no easier than trusting in the experiences that will help you grow from that place.<br />
<br />
When you have been knocked so far off centre, the effort to find balance can seem insurmountable and overwhelming. At times it is, as you sway uncontrollably to the depths of either side of your core.<br />
<br />
Sometimes there is comfort in the empty spaces in between. Sometimes it feels thats all there is. Sometimes it's nice to lie in the peace and <i><b>not</b></i> feel. The pain and sadness, the desire to be happy. The pressure to be good and achieve something.<br />
<br />
Being authentic and true to yourself is difficult when you're bombarded with such a variety of conflicting messages, the voices in your head, the voices of the world, the opinions of a million others and their beliefs for you, of you, about you.<br />
<br />
Finding true space and stillness to quieten the voices and listen to yours is an elusive task. Finding what you stand for and where you want to be is no small feat.<br />
<br />
At this point in time I see only one place to start. Be certain in the wrongs. Gather an understanding of exactly where and who you don't want to be.<br />
<br />
Build upwards from there.<br />
<br />
Grow. <br />
<br />
At whatever speed you feel capable of.Lexi..xxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10525525775853711177noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3610894145707582195.post-30115510418319868492014-02-15T21:55:00.003+00:002014-02-18T09:40:24.984+00:00Romanticism of Love...This post is strangely juxtapositioned against my previous one, but hey I have no control over when my brain wants to think about things.<br />
<br />
To quote James Morrison - Love is hard.<br />
<br />
Love is hard because we have an idealistic, romanticised view of love.<br />
<br />
Of flowers and hearts.<br />
<br />
Of candle lit dinners and moon lit walks.<br />
<br />
Of happy families and a perfect lifestyle.<br />
<br />
Of falling for a hero, who stands for your beliefs. <br />
<br />
Of passionate kisses and heart felt I Love Yous.<br />
<br />
As wonderful as that sounds, love is more.<br />
<br />
Love isn't heart felt, it's soul felt.<br />
<br />
Love is finding someone who can know your darkest secrets, and still see your light.<br />
<br />
Love is not about a perfect lifestyle. It's making an imperfect lifestyle enjoyable.<br />
<br />
Love is not spending every hour of your day together. It's living independently, yet returning each day to that one person.<br />
<br />
It's not about having someone who always sides with your beliefs. It's finding someone who respects them but challenges you, makes you think and makes you grow.<br />
<br />
I love you isn't three words to throw around. I love yous are the hugs before you fall asleep, the hot drinks when you're ill, the hand holding when you're scared, the encouragement when you falter and the pride when you succeed.<br />
<br />
Love is hard because it starts with loving yourself, accepting yourself. Possibly one of the hardest lessons you will learn in life, because the world teaches you the opposite. <br />
<br />
Love is not always romantic and ideal. Love is what feeds your soul and keeps you alive.Lexi..xxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10525525775853711177noreply@blogger.com0